Jonghyun’s closest friend, Dear Cloud’s 9, has released the letter Jonghyun had left for him to release on the day Jonghyun would have decided to commit suicide.
Dear Cloud’s 9 posted the letter on Instagram, with Jonghyun’s family’s permission. The caption of the post stated Dear Cloud’s 9 comments about the letter and his sadness for Jonghyun’s passing.
“I had my final goodbye with Jonghyun. I can see his smile from the portrait picture in the morgue, and it still seems like Jonghyun will come to me and smile at me as if it was a bad dream. For a period of time, Jonghyun shared his inner dark stories with me. He was struggling on daily basis. When I suspicious of his emotional wellbeing, I let his family know and tried to direct him to the right path, but in the end, it just delayed his final days, and it was not enough to stop him. Still, I cannot believe that he is not in this world with us anymore, and it is very painful. I was not sure Whether I should be posting his will or not, still contemplating in fact, but Jonghyun asked a favor to release his final words if he leaves this world behind. I was really hoping that this day would not come….. After I discussed this with his family, we have made a decision to release his written will. There must be a reason why he had left this with me. I know that this would ignite some controversies, I know that he had thought of that already when he passed this message to me, this is for me to grant his last wish, so I made a decision to do what he asked me to do. I really hope that everyone finally knows that Jonghyun was not alone, and I also wanted to say thanks to him and that he had done really well. Please tell him that he did good, and a job well-done, and thanks for enduring his pain til now. Beautiful Jonghyun, I love you lots and I will continue to love you a lot. Please don’t get hurt and rest in peace up there.” – Dear Cloud’s 9
Below is Jonghyun’s letter [It has been translated from Korean into English]
“I am broken from the inside.
The depression that slowly gnawed away at me has finally swallowed me whole.
And I could not defeat it.
I detested myself. I grabbed my disjointed memories and yelled at them to pull themselves together but was met with no response.
If I can’t help myself breathe properly it’s better to stop breathing at all.
I asked myself who was responsible for me.
I was utterly alone.
It’s easy to talk about the end.
It’s hard to actually end.
I lived until now because of that difficulty.
I told myself I wanted to run.
Yes, I wanted to run.
I asked who was there. It was me. It was me again. And it was me yet again.
I asked why I kept losing my memories. It was because of my personality. I see. So It’s all my fault in the end. I wanted people to notice but no one did. They’ve never even met me so of course they don’t know I exist.
I asked why they live. They just live, just live on.
If you ask why I die I would answer I am exhausted.
I have suffered and pondered. I never learned how to turn this exhausting pain into bliss.
Pain is just that, pain.
They scolded me not to do this.
Why? Why can’t I even end things the way I want to?
They told me to find out why I hurt.
I know too well. I hurt because of me. It’s all my fault and all because I’m lacking.
Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear?
No. I have done nothing wrong.
When the gentle voice blamed my personality I thought, ‘damn being a doctor is easy.’
It’s so odd that it hurts so much. People who have it worse than me live fine, people who are weaker than me carry on fine. Maybe that’s not true. There’s no one alive that’s got it worse than me or is weaker than me.
But I should live on anyway.
I keep asking myself why I should hundreds of times and it’s not for my own good. It’s for yours.
Please don’t say a word if you don’t understand.
Find out why I’m hurting? I told you why. Is it so wrong to hurt so much because of that, do I need to have a more dramatic reason? A more specific reason?
I told you already. Were you not listening? Things you can overcome don’t scar you for life.
Clashing with the world was never meant for me.
The life of fame was never meant for me.
That’s all the reason why it hurts. Because I’m famous. Why did I choose this. It’s so funny.
It’s a wonder I lasted so long.
What can I say. Just tell me I’ve done well. That this is good enough. That I’ve worked hard. Even if you can’t smile don’t fault me on my way. You did well, you worked hard. Goodbye.”
-Kim Jonghyun [SHINee]
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